Crucial Conversations

Most managers don’t have to wait very long before some manner of conflict arises in the workplace – conflict between employees, or, in many cases, conflict between the manager and an individual employee. How these conversations are managed go a long way toward establishing trust and credibility as a manager. There is an excellent book entitled Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High that every manager should add to their library. This book provides a number of effective techniques for dealing with those conversations that threaten to turn hostile.

I frequently allude to this book when I train managers, and I have used the ideas to improve the substance of my own conversations. Confrontation is usually driven by emotions, and those emotions can lead us to say and do things we normally wouldn’t do if we were objective observers of the conflict.

I recently had a conversation with an individual who is in a position of leadership at the church that I attend. During an informational meeting that included over 40 people, he fielded a number of questions and comments, including a question from me that he mistakenly interpreted as a personal criticism. I was unaware of his response at the time, but in a private meeting the next day, I discovered that he was angry – to the point that he said some very strong and inflammatory things to me. Because he is someone whose friendship I value, I really wanted to avoid becoming angry and reacting negatively.

My experience is that this type of conversation can get away from me in a hurry, but I remembered one of the key ideas in the book – to ask myself these questions: “What do I really want out of this relationship? What would I like to come out of this conversation? How would I behave if I really wanted these results?” Focusing on those questions helped in a couple of ways – first, it helped me to avoid focusing on defending myself or even fighting back, and secondly, it helped me to stop and really listen to the issues at hand.

Without fuel to add to the fire, the crisis soon passed. We were able to flesh out the underlying issues and deal with them appropriately. I apologized for some things I had said and done in the past that left bad impressions with him, and he was truly apologetic for lashing out.

A potential disaster turned into a conversation that strengthened our relationship. This is what every manager wants, because conflict is almost inevitable in the workplace. The question is this: will the conflict result in a positive impression of your leadership ability, or a negative one?