I have recently begun to read a book entitled The Secret Language of Leadership: How Leaders Inspire Action Through Narrative. The book is very interesting, but the title itself has caused me to ponder the “language” that leaders use. It has also caused me to think about the common language of those who have lost (or never had) the ability to lead. Frankly, the language that people use is often a primary reason that others quit following them.

There are many aspects of this idea, but I want to focus on one in particular. This is prompted in part by observing the actions of coaches during football games. If you look closely, you will see several different types of coaches on the sidelines: some scream and holler, some glare, some study and reflect, some cheer and high-five and get excited, some teach, some simply ignore the offending player. Usually, coaches will adopt more than one of these approaches during the course of the game.

Coaches, I suspect, are often not fully aware of the influence they have on players, particularly the long-term influence. In observing dozens of high school football coaches recently, I have seen a language pattern – one that I have seen frequently in the workplace as well. That pattern is the tendency to “condemn and accuse” following mistakes.

Let me illustrate. In a football game, when a player makes a mistake (misses an assignment, fails to make a block or a tackle, or commits a mistake that results in a penalty) it is very common to see a coach screaming at a player from the sidelines. The verbal onslaught continues as the player comes to the sideline, and then the inevitable question:

“Why did you do that?“

Why? Why did you do that? Why did you miss that block? Why did you jump off-side?

Why? Why? Why?

Think about this for a moment… Is this not possibly the very worst question to ask at the time?

Here are some possible player answers:

• Coach, I’m a horrible player. Really. I’m just horrible.
• Coach, I’m brain dead most of the time. I was actually thinking about the party after the game.
• Coach, I try to screw up as often as possible. It’s genetic.
• Coach, I pay no attention during practice, so I have no idea what I’m doing out there.

In reality, a player usually tries to explain exactly why he did what he did. This only serves to send the coach into further tirades about “excuses” and “the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen” and other equally motivating ideas.

The fact is that asking someone “Why?” after a mistake is counterproductive and demeaning. How about more teaching and less screaming and accusing? What, after all, is your screaming accomplishing other than to assuage your own feelings? If you truly want to make the player (or the employee) better, why not try to TEACH them how to prevent the mistake in the future?

First, mistakes happen. I have yet to see any athlete have a perfect game (or coach for that matter, but that’s a whole different story).

Second, mistakes are necessary to learn. When coaches scream at a player, it is difficult for the player to focus on corrections.

Third, the best time to teach is immediately following an error. The sequence of events is fresh and easy to review. Specific changes can be made. For instance, if a player misses a block, the coach can point out footwork issues, blocking technique, body position and so forth.

By asking an athlete “What?” instead of “Why?”, there is a much better chance to improve performance.

• “What can you do differently to make that block next time?”
• “What happened that kept you from getting that block?”
• “As you started to make the block, what did you see?”
• “What change do you need to make to get that block?”

“What” questions ask the player for information or introspection. With this information in hand, the coach can suggest changes in technique to improve the possibility of success. At the very least, the coach should simply take the player and tell him why the mistake occurred and explain how to prevent it in the future. While challenging a player on occasion can, indeed, have a motivating effect, the ultimate objective of every coach is to make the player better.

This is what managers are supposed to do as well – teach, train, and develop skills.

WHY don’t they do that?